Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. It’s about that time where I would expect him to be popping the question and, well, I know why he hasn’t. I’m a Catholic and he’s a Jew. His family is quite intent on him marrying a Jewish girl and even though he loves me, it’s a lot of pressure for him to deal with. I’m willing to convert, but his mother has suggested that even this is not an option. What do I do?

A: I appreciate that in an election year you have reached across the aisle and placed in my lap one of the foremost hot button dating issues. Religious differences and love, like water and gremlins, are a volatile mix.

This response needs prefacing with the fact that El Hans is not religious. My beliefs are firmly rooted in the divine absurdity of chemical/physical randomness and as such my opinions may come off to the faithful as disrespectful, but don’t worry, I’m sure the homophobe who lives with his son in their cloud apartment in the sky will punish me for all eternity for said disrespect.

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Today, as I was satiating my daily fill of parenting goodness, I learned that Broadway sensation Bernadette Peters wrote a childrens’ book. Remember, oh two years ago when every celebrity decided to create a clothing line? Apparently the same has happened with childrens’ books. I glazed over when Madonna came out with her books a few years ago. And they weren’t that bad, all things considering. Julianne Moore. Jamie Lee Curtis. Brooke Shields. Tiki Barber. Then I just stopped paying attention. Whether you’re into celeb-written (or ghostwritten) books for yout tots or not, there are plenty of reading-related events coming up. Here are some literary events for the littlest members of your family.

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Hey everyone, how was your Fourth? If you saw me on that day, please tell me how it was; the alcohol is hiding those memories from me like a rum-powered mental shield.

No vid this week; having some trouble getting them to post through WordPress. It’s things like this that make me feel like an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer with certain aspects of the Internet.

GO SEE THIS!

I Eat Pandas: We Classy (Wednesday July 16, Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre; 9:30 PM; $5.00) - Comedians Eliza Skinner and Glennis McMurray do an hour-long set of improvised musicals. This is for real.

WHY YOU SHOULD GO

Aside from working together like chocolate and peanut butter, Skinner and McMurray create improvised musicals based off of audience suggestions that are funnier and have more heart than most off-Broadway numbers you’d pay too much money to see. Skinner creates beautiful, hilariously tragic characters with the drop of a hat, and McMurray plays off of everything in the room so well you’d think that the whole thing was scripted.

We’ll have more viddy goodness next week, your 86 year old Uncle Matt promises!

Want to see your show or video featured in this blog? E-mail me and let me know!

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It’s been easy to come up with things to write about Brooklyn over the past few weeks. My Downtown Brooklyn neighborhood especially has seen an influx of attention from many sources. This attention has led to seemingly weekly articles on raising rent and purchase prices, gentrification, etc.
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This week I’m focusing on events that only take place in this fabulous town. Enjoy!

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Gawker Art Gallery - “Good Intentions Aren’t Enough”
Mixed Media Installation - $1,800 each

More photos available via RandomNightOut.com

UPCOMING NIGHTLIFE ON NEIGHBORBEE:

Media Meshing
Thursday, July 10, 2008
6:00pm - 11:00pm
Sweet & Vicious
5 Spring St

Summer Screen hosts free movie at McCarren Park Pool
The Virgin Suicides
Tuesday, July 15th 2008
Doors open at 4:00pm, Movie starts around 8:00pm
Come early to get a seat.
Food and beverages will be available to buy at the site.

The Porno Jim Show
The Slipper Room
167 Orchard St. (corner of Stanton and Orchard)
Doors open at 8 PM. Show starts at 8:30.
Admission: $10

Dr. Sketchy’s Super Opulent Absinthe Session with Delirium
July 12th, 3-6 pm at The Lucky Cat
245 Grand St, btw Driggs and Roebling in Williamsburg
$10. $15 for a table, bring your own art supplies

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Born down in a dead man’s town
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
You end up like a dog thats been beat too much
Till you spend half your life just covering up

Born in the U.S.A., I was born in the U.S.A.

The BSOQ here, stroking my Springsteenian scruff, a little disillusioned. After a confusing Independence Day in this U.S. of A., I have one question: Where are the true Americans?

A day meant for listening to The Boss and high-fiving, it seems some people have forgotten what this holiday is all about. They’ve resorted to a fast food, low-carb, high-bullshit approach to liberty. You can’t Google your way to the heart and soul of America.

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What do you get when you take great food, a fun atmosphere, and mix it with some fabulous country tunes (and yes, we’re talking borderline rock ones no one could potentially be ashamed of)? You get Back Forty, a recent arrival to the East Village restaurant scene. They even offer nice small wine quartinos that equate to about a glass and a half for only $9-$11. The pinot bianco, one of their offerings that particular day, was a crisp refreshing way to start the meal.

I honestly can’t complain about a thing we tried. We started with two sides — the beer battered onion rings with smoked paprika mayo (mmm - just the perfect degree of kick) and the spring artichoke hearts. Of the two, the artichoke hearts were more bland, although they were definitely not as heavy as the onion rings. Their fries seasoned with rosemary sea salt were some of the best fries I’ve had in the city, and came with a spicy homemade ketchup I wish you could buy. Amazing.

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Children + Animals. It’s always been a long standing love affair. The last time I babysat my co-worker’s daughter I mesmerized her with a lime green dinosaur. Not all NYC-sized apartments are accommodating when it comes to furry friends, but when it comes to decorating or playing, you can start by checking out the Etsy shops of these Manhattan and Brooklyn-based artists.

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Q: Dear Hans,
My fiancée and I got engaged 6 months ago. In that time she’s gained 100lbs. I don’t need to elaborate on the problems this has caused. It may be selfish, but I want to marry the girl I engaged,not the fat stranger in my bed.

A: Ah, when your beloved, hot girlfriend decides to add the equivalent of an eleven year old girl to her body, aside from nuclear holocaust, man’s greatest fear. I can remember at a very early age waking up in a cold sweat imagining the flabby arms and loose buttocks of my future wife as she plaintively excused herself on the grounds of childbirth and laziness. “You don’t see me making excuses on the grounds of beer and hating you,” my ripped, nightmare future self would say before slamming a Budweiser and going fishing.

Of course, ever since the 1990s it’s been out of vogue to admonish your partner’s weight loss in anything other than passive aggressive terms. This situation requires Nadal-like finesse if your relationship, both sexually and emotionally, is to survive. A few suggestions:

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