Q:  Hans, I’m running out of good ideas for dates.  As much as there
is going on in this city, every move from concerts to ethnic fairs
seems cliché at this point.  Got ideas?

A:  Greetings, Dating Fan.  And thanks for the lay-up.  Just so
happens your intrepid dater went on the most interestingly awkward
date of his life this past weekend.  I guess what I’m saying is if you
can’t impress someone with a Mozzarepa anymore maybe it’s time you
brought them to the Museum of Sex.

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Hey everyone, it’s supposed to be 180balls outside this weekend, so try to stay cool. If the hype is to believed, the calendar changes this weekend to year 1 PDK (Post Dark Knight). I’m trying to contain my raging EVERYTHING until my ticket says I can walk in to the theater and see the film. In the meantime…

GO SEE THIS!

Tearing The Veil of Maya (Sunday July 20, 8:00 PM; Union Hall, 702 Union Street *BROOKLYN*) - Downtown comedy heroes Eugene Mirman and Michael Showalter celebrate the second anniversary of their always super-talented show.

EDIT: Sold out!

WHY YOU SHOULD GO

Since his long-running show in the East Village ended this past winter, Union Hall is the place to get your constant source of Mirman. His offbeat worldview and complete confidence in his odd ideas win nearly every crowd over. Showalter is amazing, as 10 years performing comedy on film (The State; Wet Hot American Summer) and live (the far-superior-to-the-show Stella tours) would lead you to believe. And the guests they get for their shows (David Cross, Aziz Ansari, Mike Birbiglia) are worth twice the price of admission themselves.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

12 Seconds (written by Chris Kelly; starring Winston Noel, Andree Vermeulen, Nate Shelkey; directed by Mitch Magee)

Want to see your show or video featured in this column? E-mail me and let me know!

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Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. It’s about that time where I would expect him to be popping the question and, well, I know why he hasn’t. I’m a Catholic and he’s a Jew. His family is quite intent on him marrying a Jewish girl and even though he loves me, it’s a lot of pressure for him to deal with. I’m willing to convert, but his mother has suggested that even this is not an option. What do I do?

A: I appreciate that in an election year you have reached across the aisle and placed in my lap one of the foremost hot button dating issues. Religious differences and love, like water and gremlins, are a volatile mix.

This response needs prefacing with the fact that El Hans is not religious. My beliefs are firmly rooted in the divine absurdity of chemical/physical randomness and as such my opinions may come off to the faithful as disrespectful, but don’t worry, I’m sure the homophobe who lives with his son in their cloud apartment in the sky will punish me for all eternity for said disrespect.

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Q: Dear Hans,
My fiancée and I got engaged 6 months ago. In that time she’s gained 100lbs. I don’t need to elaborate on the problems this has caused. It may be selfish, but I want to marry the girl I engaged,not the fat stranger in my bed.

A: Ah, when your beloved, hot girlfriend decides to add the equivalent of an eleven year old girl to her body, aside from nuclear holocaust, man’s greatest fear. I can remember at a very early age waking up in a cold sweat imagining the flabby arms and loose buttocks of my future wife as she plaintively excused herself on the grounds of childbirth and laziness. “You don’t see me making excuses on the grounds of beer and hating you,” my ripped, nightmare future self would say before slamming a Budweiser and going fishing.

Of course, ever since the 1990s it’s been out of vogue to admonish your partner’s weight loss in anything other than passive aggressive terms. This situation requires Nadal-like finesse if your relationship, both sexually and emotionally, is to survive. A few suggestions:

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Happy 4th of July, Netizens! Today is the day when the entire world celebrates its independence. It’s been 12 years now since Captain Hiller and David Levinson infected the invaders’ ships with a virus from an Earth laptop. Remember, when you’re reciting President Whitmore’s chilling speech before the final salvo on the aliens, we laugh now to celebrate their sacrifices.

GO SEE THIS!

The Apple Sisters (Thursday, July 10, 8:00 pm; People’s Improv Theatre; $8.00) - The Apple Sisters put together a musixtravaganza for you lucky, lucky people

WHY YOU SHOULD GO

As American as the pie, los hermanas Apple are 3 girls whose slightly askew worldview makes for one of the freshest comedy voices in the city. Imagine a kids show run by recovering alcoholics repressing their dark edge. They were the video of the week last week in this column, and if you liked what you saw there, just wait until you see it live; yes, they spit corn all over each other and continue the show.

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There are some very boring, generic restaurants at the Seaport, so when a friend said we should check it out I was a bit hesitant. However, the weather was nice and I’m always up for trying out a new place. We ended up grabbing dinner at Nelson Blue. The exterior opens up and on this particular night it made for a perfect selection (and was also a prime spot for people watching).

It’s definitely a restaurant/bar feel, but with better food to choose from. They describe themselves as a New Zealand bar, evident perhaps in their wine selection and somewhat better selection of a mix of food. We were looking for lighter bites and found they had a lot available for smaller portions on their menu. The corn and zucchini fritters were lightly battered - not heavy and just perfect. They have a nice assortment of skewers to choose from as well. The chicken came paired with a spicy peanut sauce which was some of the best I’ve had - not lumpy peanuty but yet a noticeable spicy peanut compliment to the poultry. The lamb kabob was good, but was not the best I’ve had. The lamb was a little too chewy, but to be fair it is only some five cubes of the meat I’m judging here.

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Summer in the art world is all about letting go: galleries tend towards group shows and shows by artists that are a little bit crazier, a little bit more free, a bit more relaxed than they normally show.

True to form, Deitch Projects is opening two shows on the 28th-the Brazilian identical twins Os Gemeos in their main space on Wooster and a look at current conceptual abstract art in “Constraction” curated by Kathy Grayson on Grand Street.

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It’s scheduled to be another big week for New York art. It’s also scheduled to be another big week for romance, smoochin’ and lovin’ you down, girl. So get on your party hats, put on your dancing shoes, and then take them both off, because you’re going to some art exhibits. Honestly, why would you put on dancing shoes and party hats to go to an art gallery? I can’t take you anywhere. Sometimes I don’t even know why I try.

Follow the jump for all the ups and downs about what you’ll need to know.

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If you’re reading this right now, be warned: there’s a fat guy in your Internet. He’s stuck there, and is trying to fight his way back out to reality. So, y’know, watch your pr0n passwords.

Last night was the launch party for Fat Guy Stuck in Internet, Cartoon Network’s newest live-action show airing on their Adult Swim block of programming. Originally created as a series for the monthly short festival Channel 102, Fat Guy follows Ken Gemberling (John Gemberling), a hotshot computer programmer that gets sucked in to the Internet after a freak accident (he poured a beer on his keyboard to prove his badassedness). While trying to find his way out of the Internet, he’s persued by a bounty hunter, hired by his boss in the real world, to hunt Gemberling down and bring him back to pay for the equipment Gemberling destroyed.

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You know what’s awesome? Comedy.

You know what’s not so awesome? Not a lot of people are well-versed in the scene, thus missing out on a wealth of entertainment in their own backyards.

Enter me.

My name is Matt Little. I am a comedian, actor, and writer. I perform comedy all over town and write for TV, but this column isn’t about me. This column is about YOU, and your lust for comedic entertainment. It’s also about comedy, but that doesn’t sound as sexy in the copy.

I will be your guide to seeing great shows around town that don’t involve the words “drink minimum,” “bringer,” or “Times Square.” I’ll also be featuring vids from NYC-based comedians, interviews, and other whimsical flights of fancy. Consider this my soapbox for why New York is the best city for comedy in the Milky Way or Andromeda galaxies (sorry, Xlrt’son Deebot on Planetoid Xteen, but you know it’s true).

If you want to sound more savvy than the people in your office that get excited about the new season of Mind of Mencia, follow me.

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