Q: My last boyfriend was a total jerk. Despite this fact, I stayed with him for over a year. I cut the cord after he made a totally inappropriate rape joke at a dinner with my parents. I can’t seem to find a nice guy and I’m starting to wonder if I’m falling victim to the cliché about women and bad boys. Are there any nice guys in New York?

A: Just tell me real quickly where/when a rape joke is appropriate besides Dorrian’s around 1:30 in the morning? True, I just made a rape joke, but it was more an indictment of Dorrian’s than anything else and so then subtly too it was a commentary on the bankrupt mores of the prepster elite. Regardless, if I were your father at that dinner table, I’d first destroy your boyfriend’s face and then vom my Swiss chard all over the table. Then ground you for life despite your no longer living in my home. What on earth did you ever find attractive about that guy, young lady?

I’m going to make a safe assumption that you’re approaching your dating life entirely incorrectly. No need to feel singled out as my scientific analysis suggests 99.9% of women blow their opportunity to meet a great guy 100% of the time. These important numbers are part of a longitudinal study I’ve personally conducted concerning the downsides to being a nice guy.

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Q: Hey, Columnist Guy. I’m a rad dude in the awesome finance industry. I want to bone a totally hot babe who’s interested in me for my money, moderate homophobia and ability to regurgitate the popular opinions of the day with little, if any, nuance. Is there a site that addresses my specific/superior needs?

- B(ro)H(heim)

A: Man, oh, Manischewitz have you come to the right dating columnist. The perfect site for you landed in my mailbox just yesterday. It’s called FashionMeetsFinance and it’s geared towards getting aging, frat-tastic guys like you laid, laid, laid by women from the fashion industry! It works by setting up “combined happy hour events for only the women in Fashion and only the men in Finance.” And it’s based right here in NYC!

While you may have been thinking that fashionistas were interested in dating rock-stars or other creative types, have no fear. The tag-line for the site “Ladies, you no longer need to worry that the cute guy at the bar works in advertising” suggests that the women you’ll meet care only about what’s really important…all of your money!

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Dear Hans,

My boyfriend and I have just made things “official” after three months of dating. He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever dated and even though it’s early, I can definitely see a future with him. Unfortunately, he’s the worst kisser I’ve ever met. It’s like kissing a statue! We’re taking things slowly and I’m a little worried this problem will continue once we go from third to home. Is there any way someone can get better at kissing?

- S.L.

Dear S. L.,

Kudos to you and your man for your old-school prudishness. However, romance has long carried with it the fallacy of “the great personality” as if human coupling had anything to do with chivalry and nothing to do with deep, libidinous attraction.

Unfortunately for you, the lips (upstairs) are like the St. Louis Arch of sexuality, long considered by dating columnists to be the Gateway to the Genitals. Is your super thweet boyfriend worth keeping around if your sex is as doomed as the Donner Party? Using another geographic-y analogy we can say that your boyfriend is sort of like an aspiring Mexican immigrant. If he ever wants to reach the next level (America/awesome hot sex with you) he must desire to approach the border (Arizona/your lips) with an appropriate amount of passion and aggression. So, right now your boyfriend is sort of like a lazy Mexican. And that’s racist. And there’s nothing less sexy than racism.

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“Movin, kickin, groovin, keep the music strong- on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on” - Barry White

Dear Hans,

Like many New Yorkers who live with roommates, I like to listen to music while having sex. Recently my iTunes has really been letting me down. The final straw was last week when I climaxed to the opening strains of “The Final Countdown” by Europe. Any suggestions?

- J.D.

Let’s face it, J.D., New York is one huge college dorm. A city of wild libidos, thin walls, and in worst case scenarios, bunk beds. If college taught us anything, it’s that loud music goes a long way in covering up embarrassment. Imagine if instead of Ja Rule blaring the time you tossed your cookies in the middle of that Sigma Nu party the only sound was your puke soaking the rug…and the muted buzz of intense staring.

But the music you play should never take away from the experience (I once had S Club 7 come on during sex). While some have surely perfected their own sex mix, this approach can get stale and, after only a few hook-ups, give your partner a better idea of how little stamina you actually have. There are a number of online radio stations you might try to enhance your coitus, but the best of them all is Pandora.

My fellow ‘beeblog columnist Afroblanco, has already written about how to set up a quality QuickMix using the site’s intuitive music analysis technology. But allow El Hans to guide you in the creation of the perfect station for hitting the walls and working the middle.

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This week on Holding Hans, Brian gives some advice to a reluctant online dater.

Dear Hans,

I’m a regular, attractive guy who just doesn’t seem to shine in the bar scene. I just attended a wedding in which the newlyweds met each other on the dating site eHarmony. I keep hearing about other people who have met and married on these dating sites, as well. I’m not necessarily looking to get hitched, but I’m definitely tired of being lonely. Unfortunately, online dating sort of weirds me out. Any advice on how to enter the interweb dating world?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Watch where you point that question, friend. It’s loaded. It just so happens you’ve come to the perfect person to answer this question (and also, possibly, the world’s most perfect person).

For the last several months I’ve been using Match.com to break hearts and take names (but mostly to throw money down the drain). I’ve found that using an online dating service is like setting yourself up on an awkward blind date without the luxury of having a friend to blame for your night of uncomfortable silences and empty pockets. Let me break this down like a UPS commercial for ya.

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This week on Holding Hans, Brian counsels a young lady who has some seriously bizarre ultra-liberal parents.

Dear Brian,

My parents don’t like my boyfriend because he dresses like a Republican and they are super liberal. I try to tell them that he just likes blazers, but they refuse to accept him because they think that he’s a closet conservative. Help!

- Sarah L.

Dear Sarah L,

Are you sure your parents are just super liberal? I suspect they’re also retards. You might not want to let them boil water in the vicinity of small children. Has it occurred to your parent that they are exhibiting the type of small-mindedness and myopic thinking normally associated with Republicans? Perhaps you should tell them that. If that doesn’t work, you may want to consider divorcing them or arranging for them to be kidnapped in Thailand and framed with a drug trafficking rap. Given that they’re probably pot smoking hippies, that shouldn’t be too hard.

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Hi, I’m Brian Hansbury. Welcome to my new dating column, Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury! This is a safe place for you to share your intimates, open up in a supportive environment about your creepy fetish, and struggle to find meaning within my garbled words.

But, what of my qualifications, you ask? Am I board certified? No. Some sort of social worker? Dead wrong. Do I have an Associate’s Degree in Love? Sorta maybe, but not really. I’m just a guy who once took two dates to homecoming and is comfortable dating outside of his race. I’ve loved, but more often I’ve lost. And from that, I’ve learned. Will I always give you the perfect advice? No. Do people asking for advice sometimes want to hear the wrong thing? Yes. Here you are. Want dating advice from a zen master? Or me? Send your questions, queries and queasts to brian@neighborbeeblog.com.

After the jump, I answer my first dating question from a girl whose best friend and boyfriend are bad people who probably smell like Axe Body Spray mixed with a lack of self control.

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