Q:  I’m a pretty hairy dude.  I have extensive chest and back hair.  My girlfriend hates it and wishes I would at least do something about my back hair.  But she even wants me to maintain my pubic hair as well.  I want her to enjoy my body, but I don’t really have a problem with me as I am.  What do I do?

A:  Ah, compromise, the lynch-pin of any worthwhile relationship and long-time bread and butter of Henry Clay.  You don’t mind allowing the shrubbery to over-run the façade of the house and your girlfriend would much rather you consult with an immigrant skilled in the ways of front-porch manscaping.  Wherever shall the twain meet? Read the rest of this entry »

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Q: My girlfriend is really into me.  I know this because after three months of dating, she just dropped the “L” word.  I’ve never told anyone I loved them before and I don’t think I’ll be saying it to her anytime soon.  Is her earnestness a sign of craziness or am I just a cold guy?  Should I tell her I don’t love her?  Remember the first American Pie movie?

A:  Acting like I know the appropriate time to drop the “L” word would be like me telling someone how to raise his kids.  Sure, the tyke might have mysterious bruising, lice and rusty, homemade braces made of razor wire, but it’s just not my place to say anything, especially to the cops.  On the other hand, even though I’ve never been good at standing up to child abusers, I’m pretty good when it comes to love…and sayin’ it.

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Some people may wonder how hipsters ever get married.  Is a union realized when two people discover their tattoos are complimentary or that they shop at the same lensless glasses store?  Or like with most things hipster, do they rely on their parents who, through a WASPier yet similarly cliquish coterie, arrange a union between the daughter who went to Rollins and the boy who went to Middlebury?  I don’t quite know the answer to the question but I fear for the mental and epidermal well being of the poor children these gnarly newlyweds will raise.

I live in Williamsburg and consistently hear people tell me they know it’s a cool neighborhood with lots to do, but they never really come here.  Invariably something is mentioned about the hipster as deterrent.  This saddens me as it smacks of a classism straight out of the civil rights ’60s.  “It’s a beautiful part of town and I’d certainly go there if it wasn’t for all those dirty hipsters lazing about, mucking up the lunch counters and leering at my daughter.”  For the brave (and tween-less), I have compiled a Billyburg Guide to Date Spots (mostly close to the first L stop), complete with an awareness of the level of hipster douche one might encounter.  The lower the score, the more tolerable the environment.
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Q:  I’m what you would call a serial dater.  Never really stay with one person for too long.  To this point, I have a few favorite spots in the city for picking up women.  Unfortunately, they seem to be drying up.  What places are the new black, if you will?

A:  Where’s in, where’s out?  The migratory patterns of NYC’s women folk are harder to discern than the Rosetta Stone or even a Magic Eye. And we haven’t approached the topic of what scene you generally roll in (Meatpacking, East Village, Ho-Ho-Kus).  On the average twenty-something tip, I recently went to a place called Forum (127 4th Ave.), which was voted top hook-up spot of 2008 by Citysearch. Happily the ratio of guys to girls (during a moderately busy happy hour) was decidedly in my favor.  So, you could give this place a shot or you could listen to my even better (and extremely practical) advice to follow.

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Q: Hans, I’m running out of good ideas for dates. As much as there is going on in this city, every move from concerts to ethnic fairs seems cliché at this point. Got ideas?

A: Greetings, Dating Fan. And thanks for the lay-up. Just so happens your intrepid dater went on the most interestingly awkward date of his life this past weekend. I guess what I’m saying is if you can’t impress someone with a Mozzarepa anymore maybe it’s time you brought them to the Museum of Sex.

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Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. It’s about that time where I would expect him to be popping the question and, well, I know why he hasn’t. I’m a Catholic and he’s a Jew. His family is quite intent on him marrying a Jewish girl and even though he loves me, it’s a lot of pressure for him to deal with. I’m willing to convert, but his mother has suggested that even this is not an option. What do I do?

A: I appreciate that in an election year you have reached across the aisle and placed in my lap one of the foremost hot button dating issues. Religious differences and love, like water and gremlins, are a volatile mix.

This response needs prefacing with the fact that El Hans is not religious. My beliefs are firmly rooted in the divine absurdity of chemical/physical randomness and as such my opinions may come off to the faithful as disrespectful, but don’t worry, I’m sure the homophobe who lives with his son in their cloud apartment in the sky will punish me for all eternity for said disrespect.

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Q: Dear Hans,
My fiancée and I got engaged 6 months ago. In that time she’s gained 100lbs. I don’t need to elaborate on the problems this has caused. It may be selfish, but I want to marry the girl I engaged,not the fat stranger in my bed.

A: Ah, when your beloved, hot girlfriend decides to add the equivalent of an eleven year old girl to her body, aside from nuclear holocaust, man’s greatest fear. I can remember at a very early age waking up in a cold sweat imagining the flabby arms and loose buttocks of my future wife as she plaintively excused herself on the grounds of childbirth and laziness. “You don’t see me making excuses on the grounds of beer and hating you,” my ripped, nightmare future self would say before slamming a Budweiser and going fishing.

Of course, ever since the 1990s it’s been out of vogue to admonish your partner’s weight loss in anything other than passive aggressive terms. This situation requires Nadal-like finesse if your relationship, both sexually and emotionally, is to survive. A few suggestions:

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Q: My last boyfriend was a total jerk. Despite this fact, I stayed with him for over a year. I cut the cord after he made a totally inappropriate rape joke at a dinner with my parents. I can’t seem to find a nice guy and I’m starting to wonder if I’m falling victim to the cliché about women and bad boys. Are there any nice guys in New York?

A: Just tell me real quickly where/when a rape joke is appropriate besides Dorrian’s around 1:30 in the morning? True, I just made a rape joke, but it was more an indictment of Dorrian’s than anything else and so then subtly too it was a commentary on the bankrupt mores of the prepster elite. Regardless, if I were your father at that dinner table, I’d first destroy your boyfriend’s face and then vom my Swiss chard all over the table. Then ground you for life despite your no longer living in my home. What on earth did you ever find attractive about that guy, young lady?

I’m going to make a safe assumption that you’re approaching your dating life entirely incorrectly. No need to feel singled out as my scientific analysis suggests 99.9% of women blow their opportunity to meet a great guy 100% of the time. These important numbers are part of a longitudinal study I’ve personally conducted concerning the downsides to being a nice guy.

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Q: Hey, Columnist Guy. I’m a rad dude in the awesome finance industry. I want to bone a totally hot babe who’s interested in me for my money, moderate homophobia and ability to regurgitate the popular opinions of the day with little, if any, nuance. Is there a site that addresses my specific/superior needs?

- B(ro)H(heim)

A: Man, oh, Manischewitz have you come to the right dating columnist. The perfect site for you landed in my mailbox just yesterday. It’s called FashionMeetsFinance and it’s geared towards getting aging, frat-tastic guys like you laid, laid, laid by women from the fashion industry! It works by setting up “combined happy hour events for only the women in Fashion and only the men in Finance.” And it’s based right here in NYC!

While you may have been thinking that fashionistas were interested in dating rock-stars or other creative types, have no fear. The tag-line for the site “Ladies, you no longer need to worry that the cute guy at the bar works in advertising” suggests that the women you’ll meet care only about what’s really important…all of your money!

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Dear Hans,

My girlfriend makes more money than I do, but I end up paying for everything. I’m at a point where I can’t even go out with my guy friends because I have no money left over from my relationship. How do I tell her I can’t afford our lifestyle?

News flash, New York City daters: the City is expensive and as such, chivalry is dead. The evolution of civilized society beyond medieval times is well documented and welcome. A centuries-old knightly code of conduct should have no bearing on the treacherous landscape of modern dating. You wouldn’t enter into modern warfare with only a crossbow, why would you build a moat around your financial and emotional freedom with obsolete dating mores?

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