Q:  I cheated on my girlfriend two months ago and just found out I have genital herpes. I don’t know how to tell her, but she’s obviously going to notice. What’s the best way to break it to her without losing her?

A:  First things first, you cheated on her; so, you’ll probably lose her.  Not so secondary things second, you more than likely gave her genital herpes; so, you’ll probably lose her (although the argument of no one wanting her damaged goods might make her feel useless enough to stay with you).  If you’re intent on asking for forgiveness, here are some facts and figures to quote that might help paint you as just an average, flawed American as opposed to an asshole:

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Q: The guy I’m dating won’t make eye contact.  This would normally be a deal breaker, but he’s really hot otherwise.  How do I fix him?

A:  So, this guy you are dating seemingly does not enjoy the sight of your face, but this doesn’t faze you because you find aggressive Asperger’s Syndrome appealing.  Do I have this right?  This guy must be hotter than Simon Rex in a rub n’ tug video for you to put up with this awkward behavior.

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Q:  My boyfriend’s addiction to fantasy football has led to less sex and even more fights.  We met in the “off-season” so I had no idea this was coming.  I don’t get this stuff at all.  How do I get my boyfriend, who is in five of these stupid leagues, back?

Sincerely,
Fantasy Widow
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Q: I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. How do I know for sure?

A: Ah, trust. The backbone of any successful relationship and nemesis of used car salesmen everywhere. Like bipartisanship, trust can be very hard to build. Every brick of foundation can be swept away with an ill-timed roll of the eyes or misinterpreted coffee order (I was once accused of sleeping with a barista after I dropped my change into her tip jar…and no, that’s not innuendo).

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Q: My parents recently hosted some Israeli relatives in the city. Whenever I saw them (dinner, bar, park) one of my cousins, this girl I had never met, laid it on pretty thick. She was unbelievably cute, but there was no way I was going to hook up with a family member. I told my buddy she was my third cousin once removed and he said I was an idiot for not sleeping with her. Genealogically speaking, is it dangerous to hook up with a third cousin?

A: Truly, what’s the fuss in hooking up with a cousin? Let’s ask the New York Times from April 4, 2002:
Contrary to widely held beliefs and longstanding taboos in America, first cousins can have children together without a great risk of birth defects or genetic disease, scientists are reporting today. They say there is no biological reason to discourage cousins from marrying….”In some parts of the world,” the report says, ”20 to 60 percent of all marriages are between close biological relatives.”

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Q:  I’m a pretty hairy dude.  I have extensive chest and back hair.  My girlfriend hates it and wishes I would at least do something about my back hair.  But she even wants me to maintain my pubic hair as well.  I want her to enjoy my body, but I don’t really have a problem with me as I am.  What do I do?

A:  Ah, compromise, the lynch-pin of any worthwhile relationship and long-time bread and butter of Henry Clay.  You don’t mind allowing the shrubbery to over-run the façade of the house and your girlfriend would much rather you consult with an immigrant skilled in the ways of front-porch manscaping.  Wherever shall the twain meet? Read the rest of this entry »

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Q: My girlfriend is really into me.  I know this because after three months of dating, she just dropped the “L” word.  I’ve never told anyone I loved them before and I don’t think I’ll be saying it to her anytime soon.  Is her earnestness a sign of craziness or am I just a cold guy?  Should I tell her I don’t love her?  Remember the first American Pie movie?

A:  Acting like I know the appropriate time to drop the “L” word would be like me telling someone how to raise his kids.  Sure, the tyke might have mysterious bruising, lice and rusty, homemade braces made of razor wire, but it’s just not my place to say anything, especially to the cops.  On the other hand, even though I’ve never been good at standing up to child abusers, I’m pretty good when it comes to love…and sayin’ it.

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Some people may wonder how hipsters ever get married.  Is a union realized when two people discover their tattoos are complimentary or that they shop at the same lensless glasses store?  Or like with most things hipster, do they rely on their parents who, through a WASPier yet similarly cliquish coterie, arrange a union between the daughter who went to Rollins and the boy who went to Middlebury?  I don’t quite know the answer to the question but I fear for the mental and epidermal well being of the poor children these gnarly newlyweds will raise.

I live in Williamsburg and consistently hear people tell me they know it’s a cool neighborhood with lots to do, but they never really come here.  Invariably something is mentioned about the hipster as deterrent.  This saddens me as it smacks of a classism straight out of the civil rights ’60s.  “It’s a beautiful part of town and I’d certainly go there if it wasn’t for all those dirty hipsters lazing about, mucking up the lunch counters and leering at my daughter.”  For the brave (and tween-less), I have compiled a Billyburg Guide to Date Spots (mostly close to the first L stop), complete with an awareness of the level of hipster douche one might encounter.  The lower the score, the more tolerable the environment.
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Q:  I’m what you would call a serial dater.  Never really stay with one person for too long.  To this point, I have a few favorite spots in the city for picking up women.  Unfortunately, they seem to be drying up.  What places are the new black, if you will?

A:  Where’s in, where’s out?  The migratory patterns of NYC’s women folk are harder to discern than the Rosetta Stone or even a Magic Eye. And we haven’t approached the topic of what scene you generally roll in (Meatpacking, East Village, Ho-Ho-Kus).  On the average twenty-something tip, I recently went to a place called Forum (127 4th Ave.), which was voted top hook-up spot of 2008 by Citysearch. Happily the ratio of guys to girls (during a moderately busy happy hour) was decidedly in my favor.  So, you could give this place a shot or you could listen to my even better (and extremely practical) advice to follow.

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Q: Hans, I’m running out of good ideas for dates. As much as there is going on in this city, every move from concerts to ethnic fairs seems cliché at this point. Got ideas?

A: Greetings, Dating Fan. And thanks for the lay-up. Just so happens your intrepid dater went on the most interestingly awkward date of his life this past weekend. I guess what I’m saying is if you can’t impress someone with a Mozzarepa anymore maybe it’s time you brought them to the Museum of Sex.

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