Hansdling the Issues: Too Many Issues to Hansdle
Brief Explanation For Absence
Sorry for my hiatus guys, but I’ve been standing on one of these really long unemployment line these past three weeks. Then I was hungry so I went to the Shake Shack line. Then I was waiting on line outside a Rhode Island strip club with a couple high school sophomores I scouted at the local mall. I guarantee there were no 16-year-old strippers before the media decided to turn this into a story, but now there is a totally sleazy club owner actively seeking out 16-year-old girls from troubled homes. This makes me sad. Strip clubs are the worst. Going to a strip club is like buying a submarine sandwich and then looking at it from between 2-4 feet away in a dark, loud room, occasionally putting it on your lap, but never eating it.
"We are gonna get that dog so f*cking high."
Bad Late Night Jokes of the Week (As Created By Me)
Undercover officers in North Carolina arrested another undercover officer from a different force after buying drugs off him. When asked to explain the mix-up the arresting officers shrugged their shoulders and said, “It was really good shit.”
Yesterday in New Jersey, federal agents arrested 44 people as part of a widespread corruption investigation.
"Ok, so, two schlameils walk into a schlamazel..."
Among those arrested were mayors, rabbis and lawyers alleged to have been trafficking kidneys. The FBI referred to the investigation internally as “Operation The Greatest Joke Set-Up Ever.”
These goats are so f*cked up.
Canada may be shutting down its only government sanctioned marijuana farm known as the Marijuana Mine. Apparently the farm is in an abandoned mine. Drug users in Canada were alarmed by the news but told not to worry as the government was planning to open two new drug theme park rides, the Quaalude Quarry and the Percocet Petting Zoo.
Roger Federer’s wife had twins this week. Doctors weren’t sure if the babies would be half-human, half-robot or perhaps there’d be one robot baby and one entirely human baby. They were pleased to announce that both babies were in fact robots. Federer celebrated by oiling his squeaky joints and downloading a Firefox update to his brain.
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? No, we don't die. Because we're robots. And that blood is really just sugar and dye. And we hate laughing, but we do it to keep up appearances.
25. July 2009 at 5:47 pm :
Hans, welcome back. And thank you for the shirtless picture of Feds. I knew there was a good reason to check on your column…
26. July 2009 at 9:43 pm :
“Going to a strip club is like buying a submarine sandwich and then looking at it from between 2-4 feet away it in a dark, loud room, occasionally putting it on your lap, but never eating it”..
..or its like exactly the same thing and still managing to get aids just from looking at a toothless sloppy face.
27. July 2009 at 11:22 am :
Hi Annie,
Your comment is nothing if not extremely intense. Not only do you manage to throw in an AIDS contraction reference, but also major public health issues like toothlessness and sloppiness. Kudos. I know this sounds like my typical sarcasm, but truly, kudos. Super random. Did you get a venereal disease from a strip club once?
7. August 2009 at 1:04 pm :
Only once did I catch a venereal disease and was not strip club related. Though, it was stripping related. Open genital wounds and poles in the port authority bus terminal aren’t a good mix. Especially not for 10 dollars. I’m sure you knew that, Hans.