Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Wrap It Up

Q:  I cheated on my girlfriend two months ago and just found out I have genital herpes. I don’t know how to tell her, but she’s obviously going to notice. What’s the best way to break it to her without losing her?

A:  First things first, you cheated on her; so, you’ll probably lose her.  Not so secondary things second, you more than likely gave her genital herpes; so, you’ll probably lose her (although the argument of no one wanting her damaged goods might make her feel useless enough to stay with you).  If you’re intent on asking for forgiveness, here are some facts and figures to quote that might help paint you as just an average, flawed American as opposed to an asshole:

- Half of people in relationships cheat, so basically every couple will have one cheating member (and if it wasn’t going to be her, well, you were practically obliged to do it, right?).
- 1 in 5 Americans has genital herpes, however, 90% of those with herpes are unaware they have the disease.
- 1 in 4 Americans will contract an STD in their lifetime.

Of course, there also exists the possibility that you have had the genital herpes for years without ever showing symptoms.  You can make everything right, without revealing your infidelity, by telling your lady that you contracted the disease from your mother during birth. This way, you don’t look dirty, your mom does.  Armed with these facts you have a pretty solid argument that none of this was your fault, you are simply a pawn in some sick, eco-sexual master plan and since she was probably going to catch something anyway she should be thankful it occurred while in a loving relationship.  Wow, what a great guy!

Two dudes I met recently told me that 70% of casual hook-ups in New York City are condomless.  Yes, we were drinking wine coolers in their Chelsea duplex at 4:30 AM, but this couple’s desire to bareback a near blacked out straight guy should not overshadow the scariness (and factuality) of that fact.  This city is supposed to be exciting and full of life, but after near-death cab experiences grow blasé, New York can feel like one big, overcrowded hassle with little to recommend it.

Everyone’s a jerk.  Hipsters are annoying.  The parks are too few, predominantly asphalt and largely undersized. There are scores of shitty plays to become depressed about and everywhere are silly attempts at re-invention (the waterfalls, the gates) that make New York seem more like a Midwest state capital on steroids than the greatest city in the world.  With so much frustration overpowering their lives, young New Yorkers love to get wasted and ignore the fact that their new acquaintance is lying about what they do for a living. They just want to feel good and dangerous for a couple hours a week to remind them of why they put-up with rush-hour subway rides and the refusal of people at Duane Reade to form one line like good suburbanites.

After all, how can you feel alive if you can’t feel your penis?  But this is exactly the trap we must all avoid.  Is twenty minutes of ecstasy worth months, years or a lifetime of dealing with an STD?  Those people in the Valtrex commercials are paid to look so happy and healthy.  I guarantee you no one is truly happy about the successful management of his sore-ridden genitalia.  So, if you’re gonna cheat, wrap it up.  Of course, condoms aren’t a sure-fire solution against genital herpes, but they do prevent the spread of other serious diseases.  Good luck and Godspeed, Philanderer.

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