Holding Hans With Brian Hansbury: Fat and Happy?

Q: Dear Hans,
My fiancée and I got engaged 6 months ago. In that time she’s gained 100lbs. I don’t need to elaborate on the problems this has caused. It may be selfish, but I want to marry the girl I engaged,not the fat stranger in my bed.

A: Ah, when your beloved, hot girlfriend decides to add the equivalent of an eleven year old girl to her body, aside from nuclear holocaust, man’s greatest fear. I can remember at a very early age waking up in a cold sweat imagining the flabby arms and loose buttocks of my future wife as she plaintively excused herself on the grounds of childbirth and laziness. “You don’t see me making excuses on the grounds of beer and hating you,” my ripped, nightmare future self would say before slamming a Budweiser and going fishing.

Of course, ever since the 1990s it’s been out of vogue to admonish your partner’s weight loss in anything other than passive aggressive terms. This situation requires Nadal-like finesse if your relationship, both sexually and emotionally, is to survive. A few suggestions:

The “Doesn’t Exercise Make You Feel Just Great?” Method:
Enroll the both of you in a spin class. If she gets suspicious, lie to her and say the life insurance policies you’ll be getting as part of your marriage have reduced rates for fit policy holders. If you really want to get aggressive about her weight loss, might I suggest signing the both of you up for a charity triathlon whose proceeds go to pediatric leukemia. If she says no to this not only is she fat, she’s also a fat, horrible person.

The “Dangerous Sci-Fi Road” Method:
Slip her a mickey, except instead of a mickey, slip her a tapeworm. Nothing works to shed pounds, short of gastric bypass, like a very hungry, 30-foot long parasite (If there was a way to inject hundreds of tiny Jabba the Huts into her intestine, this too would be an effective method as everyone knows Jabba is positively gluttonous).

The “Overnight Witness Protection Disappearance” Method:
Empty out the fridge and re-stock it with the following items. Celery and… okay, just celery. When she asks where her Dibs brand ice cream snacks went, tell her there was a recall of all earthly products containing fat. When she says that seems impossible, tell her so does her pant size (This would garner a passive aggressive A+ from Professor Jerkenheimer). Also, now would be a good time to bring up that life insurance clause again as well as shield your manhood from a quick kick or punch.

The “Just Say Yes” Method:
Encourage her to develop a coke habit. Possibly even for her next birthday get her an eight ball and a carton of Parliament Lights. Tell her you read that this is part of the story arc for Carrie Bradshaw in the sequel to Sex And The City and you’ll have a Winehouse-esque waif on your hands before you can say heart palpitations. Those gals worked wonders for the Cosmo, maybe they can return methamphetimines to their 80s hey-day.

While we’re having a lot of misogynistic fun here, do not, in anyway encourage her to develop an eating disorder. Addiction, parasites and lying are all funny. There is nothing funny about exposed rib cages and increased body hair.

I hope my tips help you become the sort of idealized couple you’ve imagined seeing in your future wedding photos. The sort that hates each other but looks really good. Remember, over 50% of marriages fail. Better to be fit and miserable than fat and happy.

Don’t forget to send me Christmas Cards!

-Hans

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