Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: When Looks Meet Money

Q: Hey, Columnist Guy. I’m a rad dude in the awesome finance industry. I want to bone a totally hot babe who’s interested in me for my money, moderate homophobia and ability to regurgitate the popular opinions of the day with little, if any, nuance. Is there a site that addresses my specific/superior needs?

- B(ro)H(heim)

A: Man, oh, Manischewitz have you come to the right dating columnist. The perfect site for you landed in my mailbox just yesterday. It’s called FashionMeetsFinance and it’s geared towards getting aging, frat-tastic guys like you laid, laid, laid by women from the fashion industry! It works by setting up “combined happy hour events for only the women in Fashion and only the men in Finance.” And it’s based right here in NYC!

While you may have been thinking that fashionistas were interested in dating rock-stars or other creative types, have no fear. The tag-line for the site “Ladies, you no longer need to worry that the cute guy at the bar works in advertising” suggests that the women you’ll meet care only about what’s really important…all of your money!

The home page, part portent of the apocalypse and part shiny, tells us that in New York we’re defined by what we do. You’re in Finance, so we already know you’re a douchebag. I do voice overs, wait tables and write a dating column, so I must be a gay stoner. And as the tag line further suggests, if you’re in advertising, you suck. Thank god this web site exists so that the women of fashion (fabulous, worldly, chic, intelligent, lithe) can separate the chaff (stoner suck-toids) from the wheat (FINANCE GUYS!)

The language of FashionMeetsFinance raises doubts as to whether the women attending the events have any self-respect as it quickly becomes clear the intention of the proprietors is to populate their happy hours with the biggest sluts “in Fashion.” The repeated use of the phrase “pre-30 marriage/retirement plan” in reference to the motivations of “women in Fashion” suggests a coterie bereft of scruples and rife with Chlamydia. Basically, this is a site for people who love using other people for personal gain. Or as they put it, “Men in finance need women who will allow them to leverage their career in their dating equity.”

If it’s starting to seem, Bro Heim, that I’m not on your side, it could have something to do with the air of ethnic cleansing wafting from the site’s rhetoric. “FashionMeetsFinance facilitates destiny by purifying the dating pool, bringing together only the most appealing populations in the New York dating game.” Adolf, meet Eva. But before I scare you off with my invective, I’ll leave you with the only two testimonials found anywhere on the site. These testimonials prove without any shadow of a doubt that FMF is the perfect place for super-cool finance dudes like yourself to meet the sophisticated woman of your dreams.

“Could not have had a better time at the party, late night and again the next morning. That’s all I need to know to clear my calendar for the next one. The ladies were exquisite!”

-Kevin Arnot

“The last FMF event I woke up in New Jersey… yet I live in Manhattan. Really, how does one manage to cross water on a Thursday night?”

-Anonymous