Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Let’s Get It On

“Movin, kickin, groovin, keep the music strong- on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on” - Barry White

Dear Hans,

Like many New Yorkers who live with roommates, I like to listen to music while having sex. Recently my iTunes has really been letting me down. The final straw was last week when I climaxed to the opening strains of “The Final Countdown” by Europe. Any suggestions?

- J.D.

Let’s face it, J.D., New York is one huge college dorm. A city of wild libidos, thin walls, and in worst case scenarios, bunk beds. If college taught us anything, it’s that loud music goes a long way in covering up embarrassment. Imagine if instead of Ja Rule blaring the time you tossed your cookies in the middle of that Sigma Nu party the only sound was your puke soaking the rug…and the muted buzz of intense staring.

But the music you play should never take away from the experience (I once had S Club 7 come on during sex). While some have surely perfected their own sex mix, this approach can get stale and, after only a few hook-ups, give your partner a better idea of how little stamina you actually have. There are a number of online radio stations you might try to enhance your coitus, but the best of them all is Pandora.

My fellow ‘beeblog columnist Afroblanco, has already written about how to set up a quality QuickMix using the site’s intuitive music analysis technology. But allow El Hans to guide you in the creation of the perfect station for hitting the walls and working the middle.

When I think sex music, I think Soul and Slow Funk. You may think Tool and Silverchair. That’s totally cool, and good luck making your station and having your insane, Neo-Metal Pop Punk sex. To make my perfect radio mix, I started by creating radio stations for the following artists: Otis Redding, Sam Cooke, Al Green, Marvin Gaye, Isley Brothers, Barry White, David Ruffin, The Bar-Kays, Curtis Mayfield and Shuggie Otis. This covers a lot of bases. If you want to get sneaky (and WASPy) add Jack Johnson or John Mayer for a slight infusion of that Vanilla Boy Blues women seem to love (Okay, I do too). It’s also essential to go down to the Genre button and add the Oldies Soul and Instrumental Soul stations to your QuickMix.

Now click on the QuickMix tab and edit a new mix. Select all of these artists. As the songs play, give the thumbs down to Marvin Gaye and Sam Cooke’s cutesy early Motown stuff. Do this to other stuff that doesn’t make you reflexively slow hump. When a song comes on that seems just right, create a new station based on it and then add that station to your QuickMix (just click on the song title and then, on the new tab that opens, click “Create Station”). This is really the best method to get the sounds you want.

Within moments of making the mix above, I was listening to songs like “Slow Jam” by Midnight Star (replete with Soul Glo-esque vocal trills), Michael Jackson’s “I Can’t Help It” and The Stylistics “You Make Me Feel Brand New”. And then there was “Sunday Sermon” by Booker T. & the MGs, which is simply a song built for having sex to. Just when I realized I forgot to include James Brown in the mix, there he was, singing “People Get Up And Drive That Funky Soul”. Very quickly I had a totally great, slightly upbeat horizontal semi-slow jam butt-funk fest on my hands. If I’d been in a beautiful lady instead of in sweatpants, this would have been a pretty sexified afternoon.

One warning before I leave you to drop your love hammer on your girlfriend anvil. Pandora isn’t perfect. A major downside to the technology is the virulent presence of Luther Vandross. Despite giving the thumbs down to every super-glossed song of his that came on, I can always count on at least one Vandross song per hour. Suck on a Viagra and you should be fine. And while Jodeci is technically booty music, when their cut “Forever My Lady” played, it felt more like dooty music. When Bob Dylan’s “Baby, Stop Cryin’” played I realized that while lyrically inappropriate, such a song can serve to tell your girlfriend some things about her that you might not be able to actually say out loud and still hope for a healthy sex life (same goes for Get The Funk Out Ma Face by The Brothers Johnson).

Anyway, Happy Oil Drilling!

-Hans

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